February 6, 2009 update

Let me first start off by saying a big THANK YOU to all for your support, faith, prayers, wishes - it all means alot and is helpful throughout this entire ordeal.

On February 3rd, 2009, Thomas' 25th birthday, he woke up feeling cold and asked our mom to turn up the heat to 80 degrees. He then proceeded to take a 20-30 minute shower to try and warm himself up, took his own temperature afterwards. He realized he had a fever, so he and our mom went to the UW hospital.

Because his immune system is shot from the chemotherapy, he was most likely exposed to some bacteria that would not have affected your average person. My brother, in addition to a malfunctioning immune system, had a 104 degree fever, low blood pressure, and he wasn't producing any white blood cells.

I wasn't able to get in touch with him since the morning of his birthday... but was reassured by my parents that he was okay. The news I heard from my parents got progressively worse in the next couple days. Hearing from them that he was being fed through a feeding tube, being given oxygen from an oxygen mask, hooked up to like 7 different IVs...let me tell you - it was painful, but nothing compared to what i was gonna feel later.

On February 5th, my Dad's birthday, i got a text during my review session at 4:45 in the afternoon from Brice, our childhood friend and neighbor. It read: "The doctor just said the chance of him surviving is very very slim, he's still talking to your dad, im so sorry grace".

...

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......COMPLETLEY unexpected and unfathomable.

Can you imagine what i felt at that moment? It felt like someone had ripped out my heart, stabbed it repeatedly, threw it on the ground, and.. i dont even know what else... I honestly felt lifeless - like i couldn't go on. I didn't wanna call my dad because my dad probably felt the same thing...

So I left my review session, went back to the crib, and Richard's mom helped book a flight that night. I "packed" quickly - just my North Face backpack with a pair of sweats and socks, and my laptop. I was a complete mess... a HOT GHETTO MESS.

I was fidgeting and crying while He'ry and i were stuck in traffic on the way to the airport. I caught the earlier flight...this flight has had to be the most agonizing flight i have ever taken in my life. Crazy thoughts were going through my head..i had NO idea what was happening to my brother at that moment. It was frightening to not know at all what was going on.

You know what i really want right now?? i just want for my brother to talk back to me. i just want to see some LIFE in him. I want him to respond to me, to make fun of me, to tell me i'm embarrassing. He has been heavily sedated for the past several days ..the wait is long and painful.. but seeing him is even more painful. I wonder if he's dreaming happy things. I wonder if he's dreaming about me? I don't even know.

So i flew in last night and got to the hospital at about 11 pm...first person i went to see was my brother. Couldn't help it - cried my eyes out when i saw him, cried even harder when the nurse said that we were "looking at a tough situation".

I paced around the floor, reminiscing about my brother and I taking laps around the 7th floor when he was there for leukemia. Then after i had left for school, he would call me and cry on the phone wishing i was there.. but last night i was the one pacing around the floor crying - wondering what would happen in the following days. i would take a lap, stop at my brother's room, then start crying. it was too painful to see my brother like that.

So here i am..waiting waiting waiting.. i wish i KNEW what was gonna happen... i just want to hear the words "improvement" or "normal blood pressure".